telling the truth,,, (life)

hello my friends. it is a good day to be alive.

if my journey so far could be described as peculiar, these last few weeks even more so.

unexpected twists in my road have invited me to a place where i have experienced more pain and more growth than i have in many years. i am not used to feeling such pain.

it has been an incredible teacher, gifting me with a healing i didn't know i needed. i have become less,,, in ways which enable me to be more.


just tell the truth. - words spoken in the movie the Great Debaters have stuck with me since i saw it.

simple words, but words that have been given new depth in these last days. kept like a rock in my pocket, they have become something of an anthem for me - a reminder of what true strength is.


my dear friends, there is a part of us that will do anything to avoid facing a painful truth, even if we must lie to others, and worse, to ourselves, in order to do so.

these small betrayals stack, one upon the other until years later, we live in a kind of warren of mind.

such patch jobs can never be too closely examined, or they will be found to be as faulty as they are. because of this, our mind goes out of its way to avoid those places, steering us in a crooked detour of determined ignorance.

we wouldn't pretend an infection on our hand wasn't there, putting layers of gloves over it so we don't have to look at it. but strange though it may sound, i have come to believe we do this very thing so often with our mental and self-image injuries that it becomes habitual, to the point we no longer realize we do it.

but there, beneath the mess, still untouched, is that affliction, still undealt with, still in need of healing.

though on a conscious level we may ignore the existence of these wounds, on a subconscious level, they cannot help but have a very real affect on our body and mind, often manifesting themselves in ways that would seem completely unrelated, such as physical and mental ailments.

they also reappear as subtle but commanding fears when we find ourselves encountering similar kinds of circumstances, further compounding the unhealthy cycle of avoidance.

in this way, and in others, they become chains to us, too often keeping the best parts of us from finding the freedom of expression they deserve.


my friends, my family, my loved ones,,, my self. we all deserve better.


events of these past days have put me face to face with some very old wounds in me, wounds that i had hidden from for so long, i didn't even recognize them.

layer after layer, i peeled away, only to find at the root of it all was perhaps the chiefest of all fears - that i am not good enough, that i am not worthy of love.

it is a lie, my friends, and a cruel one.

to turn away from true love is a suffocation of our natural life force. and why do we turn away? fear.

how ironic is it that our fear of losing love, of being without it, is often the very thing that makes that fear come true?


i was surprised to discover that for years i had been playing this same cruel game with myself.

getting to that root, digging it all up and bringing it into the light, has been liberating in a way deeper and more powerful than i can easily express.

it is no exaggeration to say i am a different person than i was three weeks ago. i feel that changed. in some ways it is as though i have let go of a heavy weight. one i had carried for so long, i had confused it for myself.


i dream of making an end to this vicious cycle.


first, in myself.

in some ways, i feel that my work has just begun. it won't always be easy, and will require a careful balance, but it is a work i am willing and ready to perform. i know its reward.

the love i feel burning in me is a living thing, a moving thing that is tired of the bounds i have placed on it for far too long.

love is a movement, a flow, as a dear friend once told me. at the point it is stopped, it is not love.

i have learned it is not possible to change anything but myself. as Mohandas Gandhi said, be the change you want to see in the world.

this is where i will start.

i have witnessed the miracle of love spreading many more times than i have earned. i have seen its fire express itself in many ways, and in many forms. but always, it starts with a decision to be true to self. always.


this is the decision i have made. each day, each moment - to tell the truth, as best i know it. i am done with pretending to be anything less or more than i am.

i am me, and that is enough.


this post isn't what i intended to write, when i sat down this morning to speak with you, but apparently this is what was most important.

it is the best i can do for the people i love - to tell them the truth. my truth, as i experience it. anything else, in all honesty, amounts to so much of nothing.


my deepest love for you all,,, may the day star of your heart burn brighter than you ever thought possible,,,

jesh *